Over the last week I’ve started and stopped writing a load of posts. Some I’ve kept as drafts to come back to and finish them off some other time and some I’ve thrown to the trash bin.
My head seems to be all over the place. I seem to be constantly swinging from so depressed I don’t shower for days, to painting on that fake smile when I know I have to make family etc think I’m doing OK, to feeling like maybe I am OK and getting some course work done, then back to these really low moods with intense urges to self harm or worse to then thinking about death and realising how much it scares the shit out of me. Not of myself dying, but of some time in the future when those I love and care about do and me being left completely on my own. My head then becomes completely full of intrusive thoughts about what will happen when my precious doggies go to doggy heaven, to losing my parents and I end up in an absolute anxious mess. Why can’t I just think about today or this week? Why does my head keep catapulting into the future and thinking about these horrible things?
I’m also in a daily/hourly battle with myself about self harming. I’m not sure what triggered it off… whether it was the talk of the ECT and possible memory loss that can accompany it…
Maybe I started thinking about the memory loss and knowing the only real time I have had a complete black out that I’ve never ever been able to remember was when I was spiked with PCP and assaulted in August last year…
Maybe it was the channel 4 documentary that was on last week about ending female genital mutilation acts carried out on children of an African background which broke my heart for those poor little girls having to go through that kind of cruel torture (especially the fact it was woman carrying out the act on them)…
But then there was this part of me thinking “that’s what I fucking deserve”… so something (maybe a mix of all of that) has thrown me into this place where my head is full of thoughts and urges to self harm ‘down there’. I think of my genitalia as being disgusting and all I want to do is hurt myself there.
If I didn’t have female parts maybe my cousin would never have abused me, maybe the guy who spiked me wouldn’t have assaulted me, maybe I would never have lost my precious baby… and yes I do realise I would never have conceived him in the first place had I not had female reproductive parts but still… the thought of my ‘bits’ make me feel sick to my stomach and I want to damage them so badly and I seem to be quite stuck with those urges… they won’t pass and I wonder if I will be able to keep fighting or if I’ll just give in to them and do it. I have self harmed in my genital area before when my head has been messed up with flashbacks of myself as a child and my cousin abusing me, never severe enough to need medical attention, but the urges that I think/hear in my head really want me to do severe damage this time. I emailed lovely support worker earlier and sort of told her I was having thoughts along those lines and she said I need to try and direct my anger at my cousin and those who’ve hurt me not at my own body but the urges are so so strong. I know I probably sound fucked up and I’m sorry if I do but this is my place to be honest and spill out all my innermost thoughts and feelings even if it doesn’t make for very comfortable reading.
I was supposed to see CPN#2 this week on Tuesday but she is off sick which suited me fine anyway as I find the sessions with her next to useless as you all know. I did however go to see lovely GP yesterday and she had received a letter from new psychiatrist and he mentioned on it that he had suggested I try ECT as we are fast running out of medications and my mood just won’t lift for more than a few hours here and there. I told lovely GP that I am going to try a few months of therapy with the psychologist who should hopefully be sending me an appointment some time in the next few weeks and see if that helps me to deal with or lift my mood a little before I go getting my brain zapped. Lovely GP agreed that was a good idea so we’ll see where I’m at in a few months time.
Well I have to be up early tomorrow so I’m going to head to bed. Sorry for a pretty messed up ramble tonight but sometimes it helps a little to write all the shit down and try to make sense of all the craziness in my head. I’ll probably regret posting something where I’ve talked about such intimate stuff, but no matter how messed up it might sound I can’t be the only person in the world whose had such thoughts… :/
Maybe a more positive post next time?
Goodnight folks x
